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Writing Productivity And Being Trans

Being trans is a funny old thing. In some ways it’s so joyous; I can recognise myself in the mirror now in a way that I never could before I came out, I can embrace sides of my personality that I’d kept hidden previously, and I feel more comfortable in my body than I ever have. The problem is, as trans writer Shon Faye once pointed out, that coming out as trans solves a lot of problems, but it creates a whole lot of new ones too.

The problem that’s most relevant to my writing career (ha ha, what career?!) is that of burnout; I was 38 by the time I came out, and at that point, I’d been denying to myself and hiding from others that I was trans for many many years. If you’ve never had to do this yourself, you’ll never know how tiring it is.

So, I came out, and while I felt more whole, I was deeply and existentially tired. I didn’t feel so bad when I’d finished putting myself together in the mornings, i.e. I’d shaved my face and legs, and put my hair, clothes, and makeup on, but getting to that stage was an uphill struggle, and it still is. 

I take an hour to get out of bed most days because the last thing I want to do is look at my masculine face in the mirror. I also have to spend time going to electrolysis appointments to permanently remove my facial hair, endocrinology and counselling appointments to get my hormone therapy, and blood tests to make sure the hormones aren’t hurting me. In addition, I have to collect evidence to use when I apply for a gender recognition certificate, and to cope with the over-curious stares whenever I leave the house. All this is adding further exhaustion onto my already exhausted state.

I make the majority of my money from teaching languages to adults. As a freelancer, this means I don’t have to go into a potentially transphobic workplace every day, which I am eternally grateful for, but running your own business is… you guessed it… really tiring! 

So, with all of this, my productivity is severely reduced. I don’t earn that much money from teaching because I spend I lot of the productive time that I do have planning lessons. This time isn’t paid, but I’m hoping that over the next few months I’ll be able to start reusing old lesson plans with new clients more and more so as to increase the proportion of my time which brings in income.

What this all means for my writing is that it has to fit into the other cracks of my life. This isn't that different from a lot of people who don't earn their main source of income writing, I know, but if you want to start selling books, you really do have to put a lot of time into it; time spent promoting on social media, time making a podcast of short stories to increase my profile, time writing this blog, time spent in a meeting with the local library about an author event, time spent meeting with a local bookshop owner about stocking a few copies etc etc. 

I've written a lot on this blog about how I mainly write on the loo (I know, I know, you don't need to hear me bang on about that AGAIN), but I also do writing-adjacent activities such as promotion on my phone while waiting for my laptop to boot up (It's old and slow like your Mum), or while waiting for a bus, or basically whenever I get a minute or two to send out a tweet or write a few sentences of a blog post. This has somehow allowed me to write one book, nearly finish another, and get some actual copies of the first one out into the world since I started writing seriously at the beginning of 2021. I'm not rich or famous, but I know that there are people out there who have enjoyed reading an actual book that I've written, and that gives me a warm glowy feeling inside. I'm still struggling with my mornings and anxiety, and a whole bunch of other stuff related to the fact that trans-related healthcare is virtually inaccessible in the UK, and the fact that people here just plain hate trans people, but at least I'm creatively fulfilled through my writing, and I'm hoping that my language teaching business will take off in the near future. For now, that's pretty awesome compared to some of the shit that other trans peeps have to put up with on a day-to-day basis, so I'm grateful, but I'm also really very tired. 

You can get hold of a copy of my book, Talking to Lobsters, here: Amazon link

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